


trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

by softtofustew



Category: Day6 (Band)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Jaehyungparkian, M/M, Mentions of Sex, mentions of cheating, nick and norah’s infinite playlist inspired, not really but yeah, sungjin is a bitch here im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 05:47:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16550087
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softtofustew/pseuds/softtofustew
Summary: he downs the last of his dr pepper before swiping at his lips. he tries not to look at jae looking at his lips. “what’s in it?”the other scratches at the nape of his neck. “i’m just going to be blunt about this - can you be my fake boyfriend, for, like, five minutes tops?”heartbroken college student brian is asked - no, forced - to be heartbroken guitarist jae’s fake boyfriend, for five minutes. and before brian knows it, they’re on a date, at 11 fucking o’clock; a nightlong date to last a lifetime.





	trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [antijosh](https://archiveofourown.org/users/antijosh/gifts).



> title: two ghosts by harry styles
> 
> oh!! god!! this is the longest one-shot i’ve written.. and i wrote this in three days because i couldn’t help myself. this is inspired by nick&norah’s infinite playlist, so here’s a playlist for you guys to listen to while reading! all songs mentioned below belong to this playlist: https://open.spotify.com/user/cwsiow03/playlist/4HiHEemNOinyDzfBYDMIdv?si=KqndC9jWS_6_Xg7415eyhg
> 
> apologies in advance for any inaccuracies. seeing as i don’t live in toronto, everything toronto-based here is literally from google search. so.
> 
> for antijosh. have a blessed day ahead, bruh!  
> enjoy <33

objectively speaking, if brian has to stick up for his friend, he’d say that dowoon’s a pretty nice guy - all gold-hearted and soft and gentle, the kind of guy who’d pass as an angel with a halo over his head up in the heavens. _only_ if brian had to stick up for his friend, though, because contextually speaking, dowoon is a son of a bitch tonight.

having dragged brian out of his hellhole (where, brian argues, he has every single kind of dessert offered here in this dimly lit room of gyrating teens), dowoon owes him. so. much. the room reeks of sweat and sex. for the longest time in forever, he isn’t moping - instead, he’s idly squeezing in between people practically fused together in liplock while grabbing asses in the stuffy living room. the makeshift strobe lights overhead almost blind him, but other than that, the room is unlit.

out of the blue, dowoon pops up beside brian, solo cup in his hand. “ayeee, if it isn’t my bestest buddy,” dowoon slurs, lips curling into a huge, drunk grin. brian can only click his tongue as dowoon stumbles over his worn-out sneakers, almost planting face-first onto the carpeted floor.

“how much did you even _drink_?” he mutters, seemingly annoyed.

eyebrows furrowed, dowoon takes up his other hand, the sleeve of the sweater falling to his elbow as he does so. “t-two? three?” but his fingers signify six, and brian has to refrain himself from rolling his eyes overdramatically. _such a tipsy drinker,_ he thinks.

he gestures for dowoon to seat himself down on the couch. “c’mon, you little fella, sit your ass down,” he grumbles. dowoon hadn’t mentioned that brian would have to babysit his best friend at a party the other had invited him to. obviously, dowoon would drag brian to wonpil’s party because it’s _wonpil_.

“b-brianna,” dowoon drags out loudly, earning a few furtive glances at the both of them. humiliated by the girly permutation of his name, brian flushes a little under the unwanted attention. “i’m so tiiiiiiiired. ughhhhhhh.”

brian hums as he sits down on the armrest of the worn-out couch. sat across on the other side is a couple, a boy with his head shaved kissing another brunette girl, hair falling past the side of her face as they practically dry hump on the fabric. the couch bounces up and down.

for a split second, he catches sight of a familiar glimmer of silver on the girl’s ear. bile runs up his throat, but he swallows it down. _it’s been two fucking weeks, brian,_ he chastises himself as he tears his gaze away from the girl. _and you’re still getting triggered by the slightest of details. brilliant, brianna._

instead, he turns his attention back to his friend, who’s just beginning to nod off. “i thought you were hanging out with wonpil?” he offers, as if he really cares about his friend’s crush - it’s as obvious as clear crystal that the two are so sickenly in young love, that brian really won’t be surprised if they get together; face it, he’ll only be surprised if dowoon makes the first move. “you two seemed close tonight.”

 _and by close, i mean rutting up against each other against the kitchen counter and almost giving me spontaneous cancer when i went in to refill my drink_ , brian wants to add. the temptation sits in his gut, but he decides against saying it.

dowoon mumbles something incoherent, before managing to force out the words. “wonpillie… someone else started t-talking to h-him.” oh, no. drunk dowoon ultimately means emotional dowoon. “t-they,” he hiccups mid-talk, “w-went to wonpil’s room t-together.”

a tear slides down dowoon’s cheek. biting down on his lower lip, brian tries to coax dowoon to stop crying, when there’s an overdramatic gasp before them.

“dowoonie! why are you crying?” wonpil says so loudly, people in ohio might as well have heard the words as clearly as crystal. upon the other’s cracked voice, dowoon sniffs, tilts his head upwards.

“wonpil!” dowoon scrambles to his feet. “i thought you left me!”

brian’s not sure if the other is drunk or just playing along, or it’s really just the epitome of his personality, for wonpil takes dowoon’s hands in his and twirls him around. “why would i leave my pretty prince?” he cooes - brian brings a fist to his lips to prevent himself from choking on air and coughing to death. before he can add anything into the slurred conversation, the two are groping each other as they stumble across the room, before disappearing into a corridor. it takes every ounce of brian’s energy not to sigh in defeat.

god, why did brian even agree to this? it couldn’t have _just_ dawned upon brian that he’ll ditch his best friend, walk to the bus stop alone, ride the empty vehicle back to his hellhole shared with said best friend before erupting into another fit of sobs. been there, done that, for every day of his life ever since the worst day ever to exist in his life.

brian dusts off his denim jeans before getting to his feet, but not before a band traipses up to the makeshift stage placed before the television. their presence garners several onlookers’ attention, brian included. his eyes focus on the boy stood up front, clearly the frontman and lead singer, judging by his air of confidence as he takes up the microphone. the guitarist to his right plugs in his instrument, whilst the drummer playfully taps the cymbals with his drumsticks.

the frontman clears his throat. “h-hey, folks,” he speaks into the microphone. the first syllable is caught in his throat, giving a little sexier register to it. brian stands up straighter, trying to see over the growing sea of people. “the name’s jae. firstly, props to my friend wonpil for the house party, and i’d thank him now, but i’m pretty sure he’s somewhere in the bedrooms getting dicked down at the moment.” chuckles rise from the audience as jae adjusts the strap of his guitar.

brian quirks an eyebrow. he’s seen jae around on campus before, always having his head in a novel or a lyric book, even around his friends; he’s just never placed a name upon the boy. all attention on the frontman now, he watches on as jae adds, “well, we’ve prepared a couple of songs for you tonight, starting with one that goes out to someone here.”

it’s subtle, but brian catches it instantly, the strain in his voice as jae pronounces the words. at this, shaved head stops kissing the girl in his lap and turns his head to the stage.

the guitar riffs are instantly a sign of sentiment, simple yet mellow. jae takes up the microphone, both hands cupping it as he closes his eyes and croons the melody. in that moment, in that space and time, brian’s transfixed - jae’s voice is unearthly, smooth and rich, slightly rough at the edges. there’s an unspoken uniqueness to his voice as he sings.

 

_here i am waking up_

_still can't sleep on your side_

_there's your coffee cup_

_the lipstick stain fades with time_

 

his voice wavers slightly with every word, and brian notices how much raw emotion his expression shows. god, this isn’t a love song - it’s a fucking break-up song. damn, brian thinks, before promptly wondering what kind of shit this guy had to put up with to sing such a song.

 

_if i can dream long enough_

_you'd tell me i'd be just fine_

_i'll be just fine_

 

a cat-call or two erupts from the audience, but everyone else is mesmerised by the song. the lyrics hit home, clawing at brian’s own broken heart. he leans back against the plastered wall, head dizzy as the keyboardist begins playing.

 

_so i drown it out like i always do_

_dancing through our house_

_with the ghost of you_

 

can’t take this, brian thinks. it’s not even _his_ break-up song, yet every word strikes him like a bullseye. quietly, he carefully slips through the mass of people and out the wide living room, before emerging into the kitchen (which is, thankfully, empty). he wrenches the fridge door open to a couple of empty glass bottles. he manages to fish out an unopened bottle of good ‘ol dr pepper, twisting the cap open and glugging it down like no tomorrow. wonpil won’t mind. as long as dowoon gets him going throughout tonight.

as he steps back into the living room, the sentimental song has been replaced by an upbeat acoustic, which has everyone swaying and beginning to dance joyously. several hoots ring out and reverberate throughout the room. stood at the doorway, brian looks misplaced, all alone.

before he can think, he casts his gaze at the band playing. a moment passes before jae turns his head, his smile faltering slightly when their eyes meet. brian’s stunned for a proper few seconds, especially when jae offers a grin, the corners of his eyes crinkled. a strand of his ash blonde hair falls past his silver-rimmed glasses.

slightly flustered, brian glances elsewhere. he’s proper blushing, god. he takes another swig of the drink in his hand as he slides into a chair by the side of the room.

the set is a blur of dancing and singing college students, and before brian realises, the band is unplugging and jae is speaking into the microphone. “thanks, folks. have a great weekend ahead,” he grins, and brian feels the momentary tug of his heart, a nostalgic feel to it.

brian chugs down the dr pepper. the next time he puts the glass bottle down, he’s met by a lanky figure striding over, long legs taking huge steps, hands awkwardly pushed into the front pockets of his black ripped jeans. wordlessly, brian watches on as jae offers him a shy smile, as jae plops down into the empty chair beside brian.

“hey,” jae croaks out, voice a little hoarse. “brian, right? business major?”

stunned, brian can do nothing else but nod. “do you know me?” he asks politely.

jae forces out a chuckle. “no, no. i’ve just, how shall i put this?- heard of you before. you’re kind of popular with the literature majors.” he pushes the glasses up the slope of his nose. adorable. “frankly, you’re kind of popular with everyone. just, y’know, saying.”

“oh,” brian responds bluntly. an uneasy silence fills the air inhibiting them.

jae sucks in a huge breath. “i have a favour to ask of you.”

 _this is getting weirder and weirder_ , brian thinks. he knows he, ever so soft-hearted for his best friend, shouldn’t have let said best friend drag him out here. from eyeing the crowds to scan for signs of the one who broke his heart, to adorable heartbroken frontmen asking favours from him. what a night it is already. he downs the last of his dr pepper before swiping at his lips. he tries not to look at jae looking at his lips. “what’s in it?”

the other scratches at the nape of his neck. “i’m just going to be blunt about this - can you be my fake boyfriend, for, like, five minutes tops?”

that feel of being blown off by a killing machete? straight at the heart? exactly how brian feels at the moment. his pupils are blown wide, lips apart in shock. “what?”

“i said, can you be my fa-”

“-i get that part, but _why_?” brian interjects, furrowing his eyebrows. the bottle is shaky in his hand, so he sets it down on the floor beneath the both of them, near the leg of his chair.

jae smacks his lips together, before his eyes dart to the side. following his line of vision, brian finds what jae’s looking at: shaved head staring daggers at jae, brunette girl’s back to the both of them. “this is going to sound stupid,” jae mutters, “but my friends dared me to kiss someone in front of that dude there. you see that guy, shaved head, seriously hot? wait, shit.” he rubs his eyes, glasses pushed up. “fuck, god, shouldn’t have said that.”

“so we’re supposed to kiss to make your ex jealous?” brian prods. he begins to second-guess if he’s happened to breathe in some pot and this is all a figment of his imagination, but the slender fingers touching the denim of his jeans are very, very real, and very, very warm.

jae shrugs. “well, that’s the gist,” he mumbles under his breath. “so will you?”

but brian’s attention is torn away from jae and his ridiculous offer, because brunette girl on shaved head’s lap swivels around and fuck. double fuck fucking in shit. her makeup is smeared, lipstick a mess, fringe a mess, dress a mess. a fucking hot mess. _brian’s_ hot mess up till two weeks and a day ago.

no, not anymore.

beside him, jae seems to put two and two together. “ohhh,” he drags out, realisation slowly dawning upon him. “shit. your girl cheated too?”

brian blinks back hot tears. “yeah,” he croaks out.

jae chews down on his lower lip. “all the more reason to be fake boyfriends, right?” he offers.

at those words, the younger turns to face jae. the more he looks at jae, the cuter he gets, the way his eyes are wide and eager, drinking everything in; the black roots peeking out from amongst the blonde strands, the tucked in shirt, the lines of his skinny forearms. jae seems to catch on because now both hands are on brian’s jean-clad thighs.

“really, i kind of need it. and i’ll owe you one,” jae persists, and suddenly it feels like he’s practically _forced_ to do this, because several eyes are now searing burns into his soul with their death stares, all eager to watch his next move.

brian’s always had a thing for giving people what they want, whether it’s helping a friend out with homework or letting his ex manipulate him however she wanted (leading to said cheating), so he gives what the people want, what _jae_ wants: he leans over, knocking the bottle over on the floor as he stands, pulling jae to his feet too. he carefully cups jae’s cheeks before allowing the gap between them to disappear.

jae’s lips are _full_ , fuller than audrey’s, and softer, way, way softer. and suddenly a million thoughts poke around in brian’s head - why would shaved head even break up with jae? because jae kisses good, so good that brian has to swallow down a loud groan. their lips slide past each other, and jae even adds tongue. he swirls his tongue in circles, and brian’s knees almost give way.

the other tastes a bit like cherry vodka and salty lays chips. spicy chips. brian’s arms swing around and over jae’s shoulder while jae grips the other’s full hips, fingers digging hard enough to leave a bruise or two. then they pull away, both dazed, to the ear-splitting screeches and screams from everyone else around them.

“yo,” jae begins, and brian’s eyes are back on jae. his slightly pale face is splotched with patches of pink as he blushes. brian adjusts the glasses on his face. “thanks. and, um. you kiss good.” and then neither of them expect jae to lean in and kiss the other again. and again. and-

“briiiiiiaaaannn,” a loud slur emerges from the doorway to the living room. immediately, brian peels himself away from jae’s hold on him, turning around to meet a giggling dowoon traipsing down the hallway. brian groans internally at the sight of his best friend, absolutely wrecked, with wonpil in tow. their tees are wrinkled, hair disheveled. wonpil’s eyes are starry as he follows dowoon along.

“take me hoooome,” dowoon mumbles, before plastering himself onto brian. this earns a yelp from the older as he hastily pries dowoon away. next to him, jae stifles a laugh, and brian simply flushes harder.

wonpil throws brian an apologetic smile. “look, i’ll bring him home - i didn’t drink, so i’m good, y’know?” he notices jae’s presence, and shoots him a wink - it’s jae’s turn to blush. “have fun, the both of you.” before either can protest, wonpil lugs dowoon along, whining at how heavy he is and how cute he is stammering over his words.

when the two are out of the doorway, jae grins at brian. “hey, um, thanks for that? my bandmates have been teasing me like fuck these past two weeks. and my head’s been, y’know,” he raises a shoulder in a shrug. “out of place, i guess?”

brian hums in response. “no problem.” as if on cue, the two of them peer at shaved head and brunette girl. both are now throwing death glares at them, but frankly, neither of them really care, especially when jae catches brian’s hand.

“hey,” jae starts, before clearing his throat. for the first time in a long time, a bundle of nerves bubbles in the pit of brian’s gut. “do you wanna get out of here?”

 

**_______________**

 

it’s half past eleven by the time the two clamber into brian’s car, parked carelessly in wonpil’s driveway. jae gets in the passenger seat. brian watches the other practically fold himself into two as he slides into the seat.

“god, this car’s for midgets, i swear,” jae grumbles, before letting out a yowl of pain as his knee connects with the gears, eliciting a chuckle from brian. “glad to know that my pain amuses you, midget,” he adds grudgingly.

brian rolls his eyes as he puts the car into drive. “please. i’m five foot eleven as we speak.”

jae rolls his eyes back in response, and it’s hilarious, really, because his eyes are beady and his pupils barely even move. brian bursts into a fit of boyish giggles as he reverses the car. “yo, i know i’m hot as hell, but eyes on the road, baby.”

the nickname rolls off of jae’s tongue like second nature, and as much as brian would like to deny it, it sends shivers running down his spine. he tries to stick his vision to the road ahead like glue, but it’s tough when there’s a pretty boy sat beside him, twiddling his fingers and blinkblinkblinking out of habit like his car’s own blinker when brian changes lanes.

“where to?” brian asks. it dawns upon him that neither have a designated point of destination, because one, brian does _not_ want to bring jae home, because it is absolutely clear as hell that wonpil and dowoon might just be getting some as he thinks of it now (disclaimer: gross.) and two, he does _not_ want to enter jae’s room - they’re practically strangers-turned-fake-boyfriends. three, brian does _not_ want to bring jae to the park close by like the sentimental fuck he is, because whilst the idea is tempting, that place holds too many harsh memories to further crush his already aching heart.

the other boy hums a little. “i’m hungry,” he replies.

“that’s not a place,” brian points out matter-of-factly. he gets a jab in the ribs. “ow!”

“of course it isn’t, you little shit,” jae shoots back, yet his voice is teasing, playful. this entire situation gives brian the sensation that they’re not strangers, they’re actually together, and they’re grabbing a midnight snack before touring the whole of to-fucking-ronto because they can and they will, before heading back home for steaming sex. but that is his imagination and this is reality, so brian nods his head, dismissing the daydream. (or night dream. whatever.)

“wendy’s good for you?” brian suggests as they pull up at a red light. the roads are empty, save for the odd car or two. houses line the pavements, some still brightly lit. overhead, the night sky is sewn in with stars, shining brighter than anything else in the world (besides, perhaps, jae’s eyes. they’re small, but the light glinting off of them is mesmerising.)

the other grins wide. “oh, god. a man after my own heart,” he teases, and suddenly it’s a flirtationship, the two giggling like hormonal schoolboys until the light flicks to green. they’re back, brian’s attention back on the road, but he’s slightly distracted by jae fiddling with brian’s aux cord.

“what’s up, jae?” brian prompts.

jae hums again. “hm… wait, give me a second- okay.” his iphone is now connected to brian’s brilliant car sound system, courtesy of the birthday gift his parents have graced him for his nineteenth birthday. “alright. sorry, i can’t drive without music.”

“you’re not driving though-”

“-whatever,” jae jabs, before fiddling with his phone. within a few seconds, a melody begins filtering through the speakers built into the vehicle. brian immediately recognises the song, having played it so many times on his own guitar in his prepubescent years.

when jae catches the smile ghosting along brian’s lips, he guffaws. “you know this guy, right?”

brian grins. “ _lazy lover, find a place for me again_ ,” he croons.

“shit,” jae murmurs. “shit. your voice is fucking godsent, man, what the hell?” it’s the craziest compliment he’s gotten in a while, and so brian feels warmth at the tips of his ears as the two belt out to the acoustic melody. the vehicle speeds down the empty roads, everything they pass by a twinkling of an eye.

 

_you felt it once before_

_i know you did, i can see it._

_whiskey princess,_

_drink me under, pull me in._

_you had me at come over boy, i need a friend,_

_i understand._

 

“rip it, brian!” jae whoops excitedly as the car turns at the junction, and they’re off flying as they erupt into a cacophony in the chorus of the song. for once, brian feels the adrenaline coursing through his blood, fuelled by jae’s shit-eating grin and bright eyes and the two scream at the tops of their lungs.

 

_backseat serenade, dizzy hurricane_

_oh god, i’m sick of sleeping alone_

_you’re salty like a summer day, kiss the sweat away_

_to your radio_

 

he feels more alive than ever. brian’s fingers tap against the wheel as they sing along to the rest of the chorus animatedly. the next time they halt at a red light, he turns his head slightly to admire jae and jae’s smile and jae’s voice and his everything, and wonders what he did to deserve being cheated on, just as brian had. wonders what he did to deserve this night full of surprises.

 

**_______________**

 

“so,” jae starts again, after the waitress walks off with their order, “tell me about her.”

brian frowns a little. “you mean audrey?”

the two are sat at a table, facing opposite of each other. the window beside them gives view of the empty roads, the streetlamps overhead casting long, somewhat eeries shadows on the gravel lanes. the restaurant is empty, save for a couple kissing each other at the counter booths. the only sounds are the music streaming softly from the speakers and the occasional words from the wordless couple.

shifting in his seat, jae looks away when he answers, “yeah.”

brian purses his lips together. the ache in his heart is back, seeping through his pores, but nevertheless, he tries to push it away and out of his mind. “i met her two years back, the summer before college. she’d just moved here. i thought she was the kindest person ever.” he stops for a moment, because there’s a lump lodged in his throat. he swallows, hard.

noticing the other’s discomfort, jae whispers across the table, “you don’t have to talk about it. sorry, i shouldn’t-”

“-no,” brian interrupts hastily. all the hours and days spent thinking about her, about the relationship, about everything else in between - brian can’t bottle it up anymore. he’s a soda popping off, spilling past the edges of the glass bottle. “she liked my voice, hated my singing. she liked the guitar, hated my guitar-playing. she liked my personality, hated my flaws.” he lets out a shaky breath.

jae whistles. “she’s one hell of a pound of irony.”

“i know right?” brian lets himself smile a little, especially when jae looks at him, his eyes holding concern. “i don’t know why i let myself get used like that - obviously she didn’t think much about it. i only realised that she was cheating two weeks ago; i’m such a fucking fool.”

a hand wraps around brian’s left fist on the sleek table, and when he looks up, he sees jae’s expression, his calm demeanour. “you wanna know something?”

“hm?”

jae laughs dryly. “sungjin and i hooked up one night at a party last year. summertime, too. the next morning i brought him out for breakfast at waffle house. clearly, he hated it, but he stuck by me.” he shakes his head a little. “i only found out he was cheating-”

“-with audrey?”

“-yeah,” jae chokes out. “two weeks ago, too.”

at the moment, the waitress shuffles over, two steaming hot meals in her hands as she sets them down: homestyle chicken sandwich for brian, ultimate chicken grill with fries for jae. when she leaves, brian eyes jae’s plate surreptitiously. jae realises and shoots the other a grin. “i didn’t eat dinner. i was shitting in my pants before the set.”

“because you were gonna play in front of him?” brian guesses, to which jae shrugs, but still flushes all the same. his hair falls past his eyes as he leans down to take a bite. the temptation to tuck it back prods at brian, and he doesn’t push it away; he reaches out, deft fingers reaching to push the strand of blonde hair back.

surprised, jae peers upwards, eyes peeking out from under those glasses. “thanks,” he smiles. and it’s there again, his heart tugging, not the longing ache, but one of a desire dug up from a long time ago - brian has to bite down on his sandwich to ease his heart.

“no problem,” he says after swallowing. a quietness envelopes the two as they continue to eat, save for jae’s ridiculous munching as he chows down on his fries. when brian sneakily tries to snatch a fry, jae swats at his hand, whining. “mine,” he pouts, and brian would’ve continued to tease him if jae’s full lips weren’t the least bit attractive in a pout like that. he resists the want to lean across the table and peck a kiss on those lips.

 _god, you were_ literally _moping over your ex one hour ago_ , his brain admonishes him, but even brian’s stopped thinking about that. about moping. about his ex. about everything in general except this moment in the now.

as he finishes off the last of his sandwich, brian asks, “how’d you know sungjin was cheating on you?”

jae freezes mid-bite. there’s something glimmering in his eyes. coldness. “see, i-” jae clears his throat. starts again. “i was… how shall i put it? i was walking past the park two weeks ago and i saw them at the bench. it would’ve been alright, if he hadn’t lied to me that morning, when he said he was going to the beach with a couple of his friends for the weekend, if he hadn’t leant over to kiss her before my own fucking eyes. it hurt like fucking shit.” he sets the chicken down, tears evident in his eyes now. “y’know, like, you put so much fucking trust into someone and you realise that every word they’ve said was just a lie. nothing more. and broken trust hurts me more than anything else.”

jae keeps sucking in sharp breaths, and brian tries to ease him. “okay, okay. it hurts.” he thrusts out a napkin for jae to dab at his tears. the other boy snatches it, before blowing his nose into it noisily. “is it weird that that’s how i knew i was being cheated on, too?”

there comes nothing except a sniffle from jae. a moment passes. “you wanna know something else?”

brian nods his head. “i think it was-”

“-staged, right?” jae shakes his head. “i told sungjin i was heading out to buy groceries in the afternoon.”

“i told audrey i was heading to the gym past the park,” brian sighs. the realisation of the situation slowly falls in layers upon layers, building up. jae’s sobs slowly ebb away, save for the sniff here and there as the two reminisce in their own memories respectively.

a long minute passes. “y’know what? fuck tonight,” jae blurts out of the blue, startling brian. “fuck cheating exes. fuck social parties. fuck everything!” he throws his hands up into the air dismissively, his voice getting louder and louder with every syllable, earning a glare or two from the couple across the other end, but even brian pays no attention now. “i said i owe you one, right?”

unsure of where this is heading, brian nods his head hesitantly. “yeah?”

jae cocks his head towards the entrance doorway. “let’s give toronto a piece of our minds, yeah?”

 

**_______________**

 

as the car winds down empty lanes at the brink of midnight, jae plugs the aux cord back in, before swiping down his playlists in search of a song to play. the drum beats resonate throughout the car, and brian is surprised at himself for recognising the song. surprised at jae for knowing this song in the first place.

 

_i don’t know you_

_but you make me wonder who you are_

_with the loose jeans_

_and a casual hairdo_

 

“‘s tough to find someone who listens to the rose,” brian muses as he changes lanes, before turning right. jae doesn’t respond, simply tapping his fingers to the beat of the melody against his legs.

“where to, dear driver?” jae chuckles. the houses lining the walkway are mostly dark now, all resigned to sleep and the comforts of under the bedsheets. eyes on the road, brian scans the vicinity, before his gaze lands on a road sign up ahead, hidden under a maple tree. he jerks his chin in the direction of the sign soundlessly. squinting, jae examines the sign, nearing closer and closer with every second as the car is steered along.

“seriously?” he burst out. “taking a trip down memory lane a bit too seriously, aren’t you?”

shrugging, brian zooms past the sign. _high park - 5km_. “you know what they say: go big, or go home.”

 

_i don’t know you_

_you smile without saying anything_

_sometimes the words i say are granted_

_just want to know you._

 

“have you ever questioned that catchphrase, though? what do they mean by ‘go big’? it could mean attending a huge event, or it could mean getting dick-”

“-i certainly do not mean the latter,” brian laughs.

jae wiggles his eyebrows cheekily. “you sure about that, babe?”

there it is again. the sudden tugging of his heart, followed by a sequence of loop-de-loops. he feels brave enough to tear his eyes away from the uninteresting, empty gravel to jae’s own beady eyes, jae’s nose, jae’s full lips. he watches the adam’s apple bop up, then down, as jae slowly grins at him wordlessly.

 

_do you want me?_

_like i just wanna know you, girl_

_your mysterious smile_

_makes me wonder._

 

brian reconsiders his words before carefully sliding them across the table. “i don’t even know you well, mr jae,” he replies nonchalantly, before focusing on the road ahead again, the trees in rows on either side of the lanes. his heart is pounding against his chest wildly. he wonders, if he hadn’t agreed to allow dowoon to drag him out for the party, would he still be in this situation? would he still be here, in this car, with this boy, on a journey to the place he’s deemed hell (as per two weeks ago)?

“full name’s park jaehyung. yours?” jae abruptly mentions. the corners of the other’s lips turn downwards. “you said you don’t know me well. so.”

“oh.” brian’s grip on the wheel tightens a bit more. the nerves curl his stomach into knots. “um. brian’s my english name. my real name’s kang younghyun.”

jae hums in response. within a span of barely two hours, brian realises jae loves to “hmm” and “uh huh” to a lot of brian’s answers and commentaries, as if turning the other’s words over in his head, further intensifying brian’s nervousness. brian knows jae’s right eyes twitches a lot when he blinks. brian knows jae’s laugh, now practically at the back of his palm, knows jae’s allergies and celebrity crushes. how much he knows jae in such a short span of time, and how little he knew about audrey in such a long span of time. the contrast scares him slightly, but then jae has a hand over brian’s hand on the wheel, grin growing across the face.

“younghyun. _sexy_ ,” he comments lightly, before playfully pulling his lower lip in with his teeth. brian tries to casually laugh it off, but his eyes are still on jae’s lower lip, until the hand on his smacks him, causing him to yelp in pain. “i said, i’m hot as hell, but eyes on the fucking road, dude. i ain’t getting killed while running away with you.”

 

_i don’t know you_

_a compass pointing only to you_

_a small full-stop_

_to stump your body_

_let me travel you_

 

brian runs a hand through his own hair. “okay. it’s not my fault you’re hot, though.”

out of the corner of his eye, jae shuts up, instead allowing the blood to rush to his head. _gotcha_ , he thinks, smiling to himself as he twists the volume knob up a notch. the guitar riffs heavier, drum beats clearer. voice raw.

 

_do you want me_

_your lover who will never change?_

_even your bitterness_

_makes me obsessed._

 

**_______________**

 

brian fiddles with his fingers until jae comes back from a short bathroom break in one of the generic 24/7 chain restaurants (“did you know i’ve been drunk this whole time?” jae had giggled when brian rolled his eyes at his request of a loo. “i practically chugged down the whole bottle out of my wits, man.”

“of course i know,” brian murmurs. “you tasted like cherry vodka.”

“what-?”

“-we kissed, remember, dumb ass?”

“ah, yeah, that,” jae had threaded his long fingers through his ash blonde hair. the light from the street lamps made it look almost angelic. “you tasted like dr pepper. how _brian_ of you.”)

when the car door is yanked open, brian clicks his tongue in annoyance. “take care of claire, will you?” he reprimands, tone harsh. the nineteenth birthday car seems to roar in agreement as brian flicks her engine back on. upon the mention of her name, jae almost spits.

“you named your car,” jae gasps, jaw almost, figuratively speaking, dropping to the ground.

“well, duh,” brian says, just as he pulls her into drive. “she’s a sexy six-month-old baby, so take good fucking care of her, will you? remember whose car this is.”

jae chortles. “okay, _dad_ ,” he jokes. “anyways, i was taking a piss, right-”

“-we’re already talking about your dick?”

“well _someone’s_ horny,” jae drawls. “anyways, before i was so rudely interrupted, i had an idea. instead of talking about topics that suddenly pop up out of nowhere, let’s play truth or dare.”

“i’m literally driving; how are we supposed to play dares?”

jae flashes his pearly white teeth. “you’ll figure out a way, smart ass. you can ask first.”

outside, the crickets are heard chirping loudly, hidden somewhere amongst the bushes along the walkways. the song changes to another, a must-cover song back in the ‘ol days. adam levine’s voice croons out sweet and smooth, velvety and draping past the hum of the engine underneath them as brian ponders over what to ask if jae were to answer either option.

“truth or dare?”

“truth first. we’ll go hardcore later,” and brian’s not even the least bit astonished; it sounds like such a _jae_ thing to say.

the words are out before he can second-guess them. “when did you figure out you were gay?”

“what a stereotypical question to ask a gay,” jae shoots back tauntingly, but answers the question anyway. “i was fourteen, actually, a sort of a late bloomer. that awkward age when everything boys seem to talk about are tits and ass. i couldn’t ever understand why my mates talked about them; there didn’t seem to be anything appealing to megan fox’s legs, y’know?

“i kind of figured it out when i joined the junior high basketball team for my district. the locker rooms, booyah. shit, imagine my shock when i started getting a boner while staring at my teammate’s dick under the showers. i faked a stomach ache, quickly changed, then ran my arse back home and did what any normal human would’ve done in my position.”

brian scrunches his nose. “uhhhh, comtemplate about life?”

“no, dumb ass, i jerked off.”

“oh, _ew_ ,” brian responds. jae flicks him on the head. “yah, easy there, i’m driving!”

“whatever,” jae rolls his eyes, yet he’s still smiling. “truth or dare?”

“truth.”

the blonde taps a forefinger at his chin, in deep thought - or simply appearing to be in deep thought. “what were you thinking when i asked you to be my fake boyfriend for five minutes?”

brian sighs. “well, there’s the whole, ‘what the fuck?’, because it’s not every day semi-hot frontmen stride up to you and ask you to be fake boyfriends in front of both of your exes just to rile them up. and then there’s the ‘well, i guess he kisses good’ and the aftermath of that, with the whole, ‘oh, god, my friend’s drunk, and his crush is probably going to smooch all over him, so i do not want to go back home’.”

jae raises an eyebrow, curious. “i’m _only_ semi-hot?” he asks, feigning disappointment.

“is that all you got from me?” brian shakes his head. jae looks at him earnestly. “okay, fine, you’re hot. hands-down.”

“nice,” jae responds. he’s just about to ask truth or dare again when something catches brian’s eye. almost immediately, he pulls the car over, evoking a startled yelp from the passenger seat as he suddenly shifts the gears to park. “woah, okay, bribri, i’m impressed by your driving skills but i’d like my body as on piece, please.”

no response comes from brian as he pushes the car door open, shutting it behind him. for a split second, jae wonders if brian’s about to leave him in the dust when the passenger door is swiftly pulled open, giving way to a boy in a semi-wrinkled shirt, jeans and a dazzling smile. “c’mon, are we waiting for toronto or is toronto waiting for us?” he teases, to which jae clicks his tongue but scrambles out of the vehicle nonetheless.

there’s a _beepbeep_ as the car is locked. speechless, jae glimpses ahead at what they’re supposed to see. there’s a lone bench tucked under a thicket of maple trees hanging overhead, just before a 24/7 grocery store. light streams from the windows of the shops as the two pad over to the bench.

the closer they get to the bench, the more jae understands why brian halted the car - the bench, though crooked, is surrounded to the brim with flower pots, some flowers curling around the back of the metal bench. a small speaker peeks out of the flora. a basket of what seem like milk bottles are set down at the leg of the bench, but upon further inspection both of them realise that they’re, in fact, dr pepper bottles.

“what the hell is this?” jae ponders as the two arrive at the bench. there’s a sign on the back of the bench, the letters splayed across it spelling _courtesy of jjp 2018_. amused, jae takes a good look at the bench, before realising that brian’s already sat down, and is now patting at the space beside him.

“you got your phone?” puzzled, jae slips it out of his pocket, until he remembers the speaker. it’s bluetooth, too - how _rich_ are these random bench decorators? - and within seconds the phone is hooked up. a somewhat indie song comes on, followed by the crooning of a male voice. honne, brian realises.

“how fitting,” jae chuckles. “3am when it’s 12:30 in the morning.” he leans back, flowers tickling his head. “we still playing truth or dare?”

brian nods in agreement. “my turn. truth or dare?”

“ummmm,” jae chews on his lower lip. “truth.”

“what a chicken,” brian pokes fun. jae pokes his tongue out at brian.

 

_it's in the eye of the beholder_

_and it's you I'm looking at_

_oh your freckles paint a constellation_

_your whole body is a map_

 

overhead, the clouds shroud over the night sky, the stars begging to be seen from behind them. “what do you wanna be later in life, literature boy?” brian asks. heck, even he’s astounded that the question even came to mind, but he can’t take it back, because jae’s already readying himself to provide a reply.

he blinkblinkblinks at nothing in particular on the walkway. “half of me wants to become a writer of some sort, but another half of me kind of wants to pursue music. then there’s the part of me that doesn’t want to be anything. i’m slightly invested in the idea of touring the world - well, maybe not the world, but perhaps canada, the states if i’ve got money to spare - and just going with the flow of life. hence, this abrupt journey through a small section of canada.”

“you already mentioned two halves, though.”

“pshhh,” jae waves a hand dismissively. “i’m wayyy more than a straight-on 100%-”

“-minus the straight-”

“-yah,” jae tickles brian’s side, and the younger screeches, before the two disintegrate into a fits of practically convulsive laughter. in between giggles, brian watches jae clutch his stomach as if it’s the most hilarious joke in the world to tickle brian, watches jae’s fingers clutching his shirt, watches jae kick his legs out, almost flailing out in all directions. he almost tips over the edge. the urge to lean over and kiss jae is there, something that has been building up in a slow burn ever since they’d left the party; he shoves it away only for it to return to haunt him some more.

 

_but i know where i'm going_

_i have known a long long time_

_and girl you're going with me_

_'cause tonight girl you're all mine_

 

“youuuur tuuurrrn,” jae drags out, winking. fuck.

“dare,” a reflex response, one which he instantly regrets and doesn’t regret all at the same time, as jae’s eyes twinkle under the bright moonlight.

“i dare you…” jae’s eyes are wider now, the corners of his lips pulled upwards in a mischievous grin. deep down, somewhere, brian wishes for jae to give the most cliche of dares ever to exist in the truth or dare world.

_i dare you to kiss me._

“... to go inside there,” and jae then gestures to the 24/7 chain convenience store right behind them, “and flirt with the cashier into getting a pack of gummy bears. for free.”

double fuck.

brian ignores his sinking heart as he stands to his feet, crossing his arms over his chest. “damn childish of you, park. have you thought about me getting arrested for this?”

“it isn’t illegal if you get into his pants,” jae throws him another wink, and because of brian and his aforementioned flaw of giving people what they want, he ruffles jae’s hair, before mustering his courage and strutting up to the convenience store, earning a hoot and muffled laughter from the other sat perched on the bench behind him.

 

_there's no point in trying to hide it_

_i will come and find it_

_i know it's in there somewhere_

_your love for me is out there_

 

the tinkling of the convenience store bells welcomes brian, but the cashier doesn’t budge. brian narrows his eyes at him. he’s probably about brian’s age, cap on backwards atop his silver dyed hair. his eyes are glued onto a catalogue about men’s fashion, probably fished out from the magazine rack. timothée chalamet grins back at brian from the front cover. gotcha.

“hey,” he subtly sidles up to the counter. finally noticing his presence, silver head sets the magazine down, stifling a yawn behind his clenched fist.

“uh, welcome. how may i help you?” he asks, offering a small smile. a hint of an australian accent lays in his voice. he tilts his head sideways a little, as if to show off the earrings dangling from his right ear. maybe he _is_ showing off, brian muses, so he leans a bit closer.

music plays from the speakers in the shop, though what song, brian can’t seem to catch. he does seem to catch the attention of the earnest cashier, so he prays to every god possible up there before leaning against the counter, easy half-grin plastered across his face. “i’ve got a favour,” he answers, tries to bring his voice down lower - he hopes he doesn’t sound like a frog with a sore throat.

brian thinks it’s working, because said cashier is now smiling, the tips of his ears a subtle pink. “yeah, sure. what’s up?”

quickly, his eyes dart to the name tag on silver head’s apron, then back at the cashier. “welllll, chris, you see that boy out there?” he jerks his chin to jae, whose back is facing them. he’s messing around with his phone, brian knows, but from this angle, his head seems to be bent down. “picked the guy up along my way. ditched by his friends. he’s kind of begging for gummy bears, for what reason i have no idea, but i don’t have any money on me.”

chris blinks at him. “uhhh, sorry, sir, but-”

“-chris, work with me, babe.” brian tries not to visibly wince as the pet name rolls off of his tongue. it sounds much better coming from jae. yet, it seems to work on chris, because now he’s blushing brighter than the ripest tomato ever. period. god, if only brian could have the courage to flirt the pants off of jae good and proper.

“u-um, so you’re saying you don’t have ninety cents on you?” chris’ tongue pokes the inside of his cheek nervously. brian feels bad, he’s literally ripping off of this nice-looking guy with a nice personality.

“nope, sadly,” brian sighs audibly.

there’s a moment of hesitation before chris sighs and retrieves a pack of gummy bears from the front rack. “look, whoever you are, i’m doing this out of good will-”

“-aw, thank you chris baby bo-”

“-and because you’ve obviously been guilt-tripped by the guy outside or whatever,” chris adds, and there it is, a small yet surprisingly innocent smile framing his lips, dimples popping. “please, i’m surprised you didn’t suspect that i can see you two from in here. you guys are really cute together.”

meekly, brian takes the pack of gummy bears. “y’know, i can just slide in the ninety cents across the counter and-”

“-it’s on me,” chris interjects. his face is softer and gentler as he smiles wider. “enjoy your date.”

it’s not a date, he wants to say, but he bites it back. maybe he just wants to pretend that they’re still fake boyfriends, still on a fake midnight date touring toronto. maybe. when he traipses out of the shop, jae swivels around to grin at brian again.

 

_i can hear it calling_

_where's your sense of belonging?_

_we could be getting frisky girl_

_till three o'clock in the morning_

 

**_______________**

 

when they pull up at high park, jae inhales deeply, sucking in a huge breath as he shoves the car door open. “ahhh, 1 am air,” he murmurs quietly. out of earshot, brian shuffles around and over to the back of the vehicle, popping open the trunk. jae watches silently as the other retrieves a folded checkered blanket out of the boot, before he peers up to grin at jae. he tucks the blanket under his arm before taking up an acoustic guitar he’s kept in there ever since his summer road trip with a bunch of his friends last year, confusing jae even further.

“what’s that for?” jae asks in bewilderment.

brian winks at him. “you’ll see.”

the sound of the crickets have intensified now as they stroll along a paved walkway, which takes them along thick undergrowth and towering trees of all kinds. flowers, closed for the night, sway in the slight mid-summer breeze. brian momentarily skims the skies with his eyes, praying for his plan to go right. the hands gripping the guitar are knuckle-white. _please, please, please._

reaching a bend in the walkway, brian halts, before laying the blanket down onto the very cobblestone lane. “no one’s here,” he tells jae, before setting the guitar down too. after everything is set, he grins at jae, gesturing for him to sit down. the other does, ripping open the pack of gummy bears at the same time, while mirroring brian’s grin.

“we’re two hobo guys sitting down in a park sometime past midnight. totally not creepy,” jae teases, tossing a gummy bear into his mouth. brian leans over to seize one of his own when jae shakes his head in defiance. “open your mouth, baby boy.”

brian grumbles but does so anyway, much to jae’s satisfaction and delight. (giving people what they want, remember?) jae’s fingers hover over brian’s parted lips before slipping a lime-flavoured bear. brian chews noisily, mouth open and all. “disgusting,” jae laughs, before taking up another gummy bear.

beaming, brian takes up the guitar. “you said you owe me, right?”

“i thought i said i’m owing you _now_ ,” jae dissents. “y’know, with this whole giving toronto a piece of our minds.”

“so,” brian plucks the bag out of jae’s grip, causing jae to whine, which sounds absolutely adorable and endearing but brian pushes it away, instead handing the guitar over to the other, “give toronto a piece of your mind.”

jae gasps in mock-shock. “bribri, how _could_ you?” still, he strums the guitar a bit, tunes the d string before plucking it again. “fine, only for you, bri,” he relents, and brian’s heart swells. “what do you wanna hear, needy boy?”

unsure of himself, too, brian shrugs. “whatever you wanna play, then.”

“hm,” jae contemplates about it for a while, before his fingers start strumming chords. as he leans down, his glasses begin slipping down the slope of his nose, so brian reaches out to gently place them back. “thanks,” he mutters, all concentration in the music now.

 

_i’m the kind of guy_

_that’ll love to love you baby_

_you’re the kind of girl_

_i would give up everything for_

_baby all i need is your loving all around me_

_ooh don’t that sound kind of nice?_

 

brian has _never_ heard this song. ever. period. which is saying something for the guy who listens to a new artist at least every week. yet, jae’s voice is so fucking smooth, a sail gliding along the calm sea waters, honey dripping from the jar. he wavers his voice slightly at some points of the song, and brian is completely, utterly transfixed in the moment.

 

_hey yeah, there is just one thing_

_that i need to ask you baby_

_can we take this kind of slow?_

_‘cause i don’t want to mess up_

 

is he singing this for me? brian wonders. he tries not to give himself too much hope, but the lyrics permeate throughout every fibre of his heart and head, and he feels tipsy.

 

_never felt like this before_

_and i feel i’m going crazy_

_but i know i just can’t live without you._

 

jae peeks out from under those glasses, catches brian immersed in the moment, and smiles.

 

_you make me wanna stand up tall_

_clean up my act, do what is right and be a better man._

_change how i walk, change how i talk_

_even though this isn’t really me._

 

is this you, though? the inner desire to scream the questions aloud bubbles in brian’s gut, but he swallows it down as jae keeps singing.

 

_but just as i am_

_do all i can with these two hands for you_

_but i know i just can’t make it alone_

_please be my lady._

 

as jae keeps rendering, he renders brian speechless. the lyric that catches brian’s attention, however, is when jae glances at him right in the eye and asks _is this what love’s about?_ and the tugging is back, his heart wilder than anything else in this whole fucking universe, wilder even when jae finishes the song, strumming the strings one last time before finally, finally looking up.

“that okay?” jae questions, every bit innocent. brian feels like he’s going to go crazy.

“what’s the song called?” brian blurts out.

jae smothers a proud grin. “‘better man’. was that okay?”

brian shakes his head. “that was… way better than okay. that was fucking fantastic, man. what… whose song is this…” his voice trails off when he catches something passing jae’s irises, blown wide open in the darkness. they’re so bright they can challenge the stars. “oh. _oh_.”

“yeah, oh,” jae chuckles, his smile never once fading away. “it’s slightly cringey, though, don’t you think? besides, i wrote it before the whole oh-shit-i’m-gay thing, but the lyrics stuck with me, i guess? just felt right for the song, honestly.”

“hm,” brian hums absent-mindedly, his face tracing jae’s features. he catches sight of jae’s fingers fiddling with the guitar. habit? nervousness? but before he can make a move, jae’s already resting the guitar onto the blanket and sliding his phone out of his jean pocket, before playing yet another song.

 

_i got these beliefs that i think you wanna break_

_got something here to lose that i think you wanna take from me_

_you say that I'm asleep but i wanna be awake_

_got something here to lose that i know you wanna take_

 

troye’s quiet voice fills the air, and when jae glimpses up at brian shyly, red blush dusting his cheeks proper now. oh. _oh_. before brian can process anything, jae sets the phone down and crawls over, eyes never leaving brian’s, until he clambers onto brian’s lap. brian feels himself breathing harshly, taking deep breaths, trying to steady himself as jae loops his arms around the other boy’s broad shoulders. he feels fingers tickling the hairs at the nape of his neck, warm breath fanning his eyes, his nose, his lips.

“hey,” jae searches for something in brian’s deep brown eyes. “brian, right? business major?”

brian can’t hold back his smile. his hands hold onto jae’s narrow hips. “do you know me?”

“maybe.”

this time, the kiss is hungrier, every bit of awkwardness dissipating into the night air as they kiss and kiss and kiss. brian’s fingers dig a bit more into jae’s skin. jae’s hands run past his shoulders, up his neck, to cup brian’s cheeks. their lips, having tasted each other briefly a little more past three hours ago, find themselves again, their tongues swirling and intertwining. jae’s making these soft breathy noises that make brian want to kiss him more. and he does.

 

_and he said age is just a number, just like any other_

_we can do whatever, do whatever you want_

_boy becomes a man now_

_can't tell a man to slow down_

_he'll just do whatever, do whatever he wants_

 

slowly, their positions shift, until brian barely even notices his back is pressed against the checkered blanket, until jae is hovering over brian, straddling his hips. their lips part for air, their eyes more alive, alive, alive than ever, until jae can’t take it and closes the space again. not enough. not enough of this, of him. of everything.

“bri, baby,” jae breathes shakily, his lips skimming the other’s. when brian pulls back, he sees the tear spilling out of the corner of his eye. alarmed, he struggles to sit up, but jae beckons for him to stay still. “sorry, um-”

“-do you always cry around your fake boyfriends?” brian teases, despite himself, despite the situation. jae giggles a little.

“no, just you.” and brian’s heart is full, so full, as his thumb swipes at the tear, grinning at jae. jae grins back, before he leans down to plant a kiss on brian’s forehead, brian’s nose, brian’s lips, brian’s neck, brian’s collarbone. “just you, younghyun.”

 

_i went out looking for love when i was seventeen_

_maybe a little too young, but it was real to me_

_and in the heat of the night, saw things i’d never seen_

_oh, seventeen._

 

**_______________**

 

“god, we’re stupid-”

“-yeah, we are.” jae plants a kiss on brian’s lips (can’t get enough) as they trip over their feet out of the elevator. sneakily, jae runs a hand past brian’s clothed arse, and brian laughs as he swats the other’s hand away. “and undoubtedly fucking hot.”

brian grins. “which one’s yours?”

after making out on the pavement, a security guard had caught them red-handed, brian’s shirt almost discarded onto the ground. the car ride back wasn’t any better, hands teasing and only just touching the other. at the red light, brian takes the opportunity to kiss jae while rubbing his thigh, tracing circles there. the light flickers to green, but it’s 2 fucking am, and no one’s going to be honking their horns pressing them for time. the stoplight changes colour at least three times before jae shoves brian away, begging him to keep driving.

“door 19B,” jae breathes, clinging to brian’s side. he digs around in his back pocket for his keys. but as he hands them to brian, brian freezes.

the door’s already open ajar.

the two exchange worried looks, before brian ever so slowly pushes the door open. the silence is broken by the high-pitched squeaking of the door turning (jae knew he should’ve oiled the hinges last week, but that doesn’t matter now, because when the both of them step in, they’re greeted by the worst sight of their lives.)

shirtless, sungjin is kissing audrey on the sofa, the straps of her dress slipping past her shoulders. they barely notice the two dumbstruck boys at the door until sungjin peels his eyes open to glance at them. he doesn’t even look the least bit surprised, instead tapping audrey’s shoulder, asking her to turn around.

somewhere in the room, a song is being played. brian casts his eyes towards the source of the sound: a speaker in the corner of the room.

 

_way too much whiskey in my blood_

_i feel my body giving up_

_can i hold on for another night?_

_what do i do with all this time?_

 

brian’s heart is racing. out of the corner of his eye, he sees jae clenching and unclenching his jaw. “what. are. you. doing. here.” his voice is low and full of anger, his fists curled on either side of his body as sungjin gets to his feet. audrey simply perches on the edge of the couch, an innocent puppy-eyed look across her face. of course, brian thinks. of course she’d think she’s innocent.

“it’s my home here, too, isn’t it?” sungjin sneers, and brian already hates this guy. “i’ve still got the key to here, jae baby.”

jae’s shoulders are tense, eyes narrowed. sungjin finally looks at brian properly, noticing his presence. when sungjin stares at him square in the eye, he takes it as a challenge - and takes jae’s hand, curling his palm around the clenched fist. he squeezes jae’s hand. jae squeezes it back.

“not anymore,” jae replies quietly, his voice hushed, but full of frustration.

sungjin cocks his head. “i see you got yourself a new boyfriend, jae,” he strategically changes the topic.

jae chews on his lower lip. “and how is that supposed to explain why you’re here? get out of my house.” he’s burning, so alive and so wild, and brian’s worried he can’t keep the other under control. his hand slides up to squeeze jae’s shoulder, a sign pleading _please don’t. please don’t._

but either sungjin’s looking for trouble, or is just plain dumb because the corner of his lip turns upwards into a half-grin. “and if i don’t?”

“sungjin.” saying brian’s shocked is kind of an understatement as audrey looks at sungjin from the couch. “don’t. let’s just go.”

“yeah,” brian chimes in, which sounds so fucking awkward to add in such a tense situation that everyone turns their heads in his direction. _dammit, brian. should’ve kept your stupid damned mouth shut_. (especially since sungjin is now taking huge strides towards you. abort, abort, abort mission piss-off-mr-baldie!)

“and i’d like it if you shut up, whoever you are,” sungjin breathes. “this is between me and jae.” they’re only a few inches apart, and brian’s currently calculating how much strength he should put into his muscles to kick at sungjin’s balls, just enough to hurt, not enough to kill his chances of bearing any babies. brian’s kind of a good guy in that sense.

brian flashes his winning chesire cat smile. “and why should i? after all, i’m in this too.” he leans over to daringly kiss jae’s cheek, just to test if it riles sungjin up. (spoiler alert: it does) “we’re together after all, so, y’know, i should stick up for him- oh, _fuck_!”

he barely even realises the fist connecting with his cheek. in an instance, everything is a blur as brian loses his balance and collides with the carpeted floor. head spinning, he tries to brace himself for another punch amongst audrey’s screams. the punch doesn’t come, instead a crash of a glass vase somewhere in the room. frankly, brian has no idea as the world blurs before his eyes.

before the world turns black, however, the last thing he sees is blurry jae pulling off a roundhouse kick on sungjin, sending him flying onto the couch. _that’s my man_ , brian grins to himself, he is overcome by unconsciousness.

the next time he peels his eyes open, his head’s pounding. the hard wooden floor underneath reminds him of his fall, and he struggles to fully open his eyes. “god, what the fuck-”

“-hey.”

brian forces his eyes open, to reveal a blurry, 240p park jaehyung hovering over him, eyes laced with concern as he looks down at brian. despite himself and the throbbing in his left cheek, brian plasters on a grin. “hey, handsome. i saw that kick you did. you were,” he hiccups, “sooooooo hot.”

as his vision sharpens, he watches the pink in jae’s cheeks intensifying. “well, thank you, but that’s beside the point. how’re you feeling?” he reaches out to lightly graze his fingers against brian’s cheek. brian howls in pain. “oh. i’ve got ice. give me a moment.” and then he’s gone.

as brian lays there on the floor, he realises the music’s still playing from the speaker.

 

_same lips red, same eyes blue_

_same white shirt, couple more tattoos_

_but it's not you and it's not me_

 

“here.” a cold sensation makes the skin at his cheek tingle as jae places an ice pack on the blooming purplish bruise. “fuck, i’m so sorry, brian. i didn’t want…” his voice trails off, because what can he say? he can’t apologise for what sungjin did, for what audrey did. with the little strength left in his body, brian stretches out his hand to touch jae’s knee, exposed by the hole in his ripped jeans.

 

_tastes so sweet, looks so real_

_sounds like something that i used to feel._

_but i can’t touch what i see._

 

“not your fault,” brian murmurs. “not your fault.”

the strained quietness engulfs the two. the clock on the wall ticks, tocks, ticks, tocks monotonously, the only other sound being the song filtering throughout the living room of jae’s house. as brian gathers his strength to sit up straight, jae reaches out to help, the flat of his palm strong against brian’s wide back.

 

_we're not who we used to be_

_we're not who we used to be_

_we're just two ghosts standing in the place of you and me_

_trying to remember how it feels to have a heartbeat_

 

“are they gone?”

“yeah.” jae readjusts his hold on the ice pack, pressing it a little more on the bruise. brian winces. “sorry.”

 

_the fridge light washes this room white_

_moon dances over your good side_

_thiis was all we used to need_

 

brian tries to break the ice. “how long have i been out for?”

jae hums, the sound buzzing from his lips pursed together. “about ten minutes. not sure if you have a concussion.” he swiftly places the ice bag on the back of brian’s head, the area where he’d fallen. “if you get a headache, let me know. i’ve got some tylenol in my cupboard.”

“okay.”

there’s still worry clouded over jae’s expression, so brian leans in to cup jae’s cheek and kiss him gently. “stop beating yourself up about it. it wasn’t your fault.”

“still…”

brian musters a smile, even though his cheek muscles throb. “park jaehyung, please. it wasn’t like you leant in and kissed me to piss his pants off,” he laughs, then winces in pain. jae can’t even hold back his laughter now. “so stop playing emo songs, will you?”

“i’m sorry! i put the music on shuffle!”

 

_tongue-tied like we've never known_

_telling those stories we already told_

_'cause we don't say what we really mean_

 

they fall silent again. jae plays with the hem of his shirt. “y’know, these past two weeks, i’ve been thinking about what i should’ve done. there’s a reason why sungjin cheated on me, right? he could’ve just looked at me in the eye and said it in my face. ‘i’m sorry, but i don’t feel the same way anymore’. why would he deliberately cheat on me?” it takes a moment for brian to realise that hot tears are flowing down jae’s cheeks now. “i’ve thought and thought and thought for a while now; is there something lacking? did i do something wrong? did i not give _enough_?”

brian traces jae’s cheeks. the tears flow past his fingers. “people make shitty decisions sometimes,” he whispers, “because they’re shitty people who aren’t worth your time and effort. you don’t lack, jae. you’re _everything_ , you give everything, you do everything right in your book. he wasn’t worthy of you. for why he cheated on you,” brian pauses to laugh dryly, “i don’t know, and i can’t say anything. but it’s not because of you. you’re fucking everything, and everything’s still an understatement of you.”

jae smiles through the tears. “how much would _you_ know? we’ve known each other for only-”

“-a mere few hours? less than half a day?” brian chuckles. “but i know enough to know that. c’mon, stupid, let’s get up.”

by the time they stand, it’s a little past three o’clock. brian frowns. “i don’t know about you, but i might want to get out of these clothes. they’re kind of sticking to my skin.” he makes an action of peeling the fabric off of his skin, making jae cringe in disgust.

“i’ve got an extra towel in there. and clothes-”

“-underwear?” brian smirks. jae flushes.

“i’m quite sure you can hold onto your underwear for a while more till dawn, right?” jae chokes out, and he’s so humiliated that brian can only grin and run a hand through jae’s fluffy hair, still fluffy despite their nightly antics. “bathroom’s down the hallway, to your left. i’ll leave the clothes outside.”

brian plants a kiss on jae’s cheek, either side, then his lips. “thanks, babe.”

 

**_______________**

 

it’s nearing 4 am when brian shuffles into jae’s bedroom, hair a damp muss atop his head as he tries to towel it off. having borrowed jae’s shirt, the tee is a little looser on him, falling past his hips. the sweatpants are old and faded, and stretch over his thighs. he smiles smugly when he catches jae, sprawled across his bed, glimpsing up to stare at him for a moment, eyes lingering on his legs. “see something you like?” he pulls off the cheesy catchphrase as he plops himself down onto the mattress.

jae rolls his eyes, but his smile is immoveable. “totally.”

 

_all i know is (ooh ooh ooh)_

_we could go anywhere, we could do_

_anything, girl, whatever the mood we're in_

 

brian’s slightly impressed to see a television fixed on the wall facing the two on the bed. the channel’s flicked to a cooking show, the lady onscreen mixing something up, probably mexican judging by the dough shaped like a tortilla and the excessive number of red and green peppers on the countertop. “we ate, like, five hours ago.”

“exactly, which is why i’m immune to this,” jae shoots back, his eyes fixed on the screen, lit up so bright in the dim room. brian sighs as he shuffles closer to jae, until their arms are just touching. the electric feel is back, the tugging of his heart.

“well, i’m getting hungry, so thanks a lot, park,” brian grumbles, before letting the towel to loop around his neck.

“you’re welcome,” jae cooes.

without the other noticing, brian unscrupulously side-eyes jae. the boy’s side profile is crazy, crazy good - the sharp jawline, the light bouncing off of his glasses, his full pink lips as he pulls them into a small pout. _god, i wanna kiss him_. and he does, leaning over to grab the remote to click to television off, (“hey! what’s that- oh.”) to take jae in his hold and kiss him softly, lips against lips.

 

_yeah all i know is (ooh ooh ooh)_

_getting lost late at night, under stars_

_finding love standing right where we are, your lips_

 

jae reciprocates, his smile felt as brian lets jae’s tongue glide along his lower lip. the kiss is torrid, a slow burn slipping through brian’s every fibre of his skin. he feels hot and cold all over as he pulls back to meet jae’s eyes, to pluck the (beautiful but annoying as heck) glasses off of jae’s nose and set them down carefully on the bedside table. (“your glasses are literally bruising my goddamn nose,” brian had argued, to which jae snorted, but complied nonetheless.) every drop of blood rushes south as he clambers onto jae’s lap, wary so as to not crush jae with all his weight.

 

_they pull me in the moment_

_you and i alone and_

_people may be watching, i don't mind_

 

jae whines. “you’re heavy.” ah, damn it.

 

_'cause anywhere with you feels right_

_anywhere with you feels like_

_paris in the rain_

_paris in the rain_

 

the younger gives jae a sloppy kiss on the cheek, making him squeal in disgust and slap him off of his lap. “brian kang younghyun, you get off of me this instance!” but brian resists, being stronger, and rolls them over until they’re a tangle of legs and bedsheets, brian grinning down at jae laid down underneath him.

“kissing monster’s got ya,” brian cackles, before attacking jae with a series of wet kisses all over his cheeks. jae screeches with laughter, their schoolboy giggles shattering the silence of the night.

 

_we don't need a fancy town_

_or bottles that we can't pronounce_

_'cause anywhere, babe_

_is like paris in the rain_

 

and then a thought invades brian’s head. the kind of thought that’s been tucked away at the back of your head for minutes and hours and possibly even days or weeks, the kind of thought that suddenly leaps out to attack your mind, and all of a sudden brian freezes above jae. concerned, jae’s hand finds brian’s, flat against the mattress, and squeezes him.

“what’s the matter, babe?” jae whispers - it’s only the two of them, there’s no need to whisper, but jae still does because this feels like a secret, a secret between the both of them, as brian gradually shuffles to lay down beside jae. he faces jae, bumps jae’s nose with his before taking a deep breath, and lets the thought tumble from his head past his lips:

“why me?”

a perplexed expression crosses jae’s face. “what?”

“i mean,” brian traces circles on jae’s cheek with his thumb, exactly like how he did only a mere hour ago with the other’s tears, “you could’ve asked anyone else in the room to be your fake boyfriend and kiss you. you could’ve asked your bandmates, your friends; heck, you could’ve asked any other stranger.” he lets out a breathy sigh. “so. why me?”

jae rests his head against the pillow. “it was an impulsive decision.”

“which means…?”

the other simply shakes his head, gummy smile stretching across his face. “when we were playing the set i could feel you looking at me. like, your stare was piercing through my soul-”

“-as if you have one-”

“-oh my god, do you wanna hear the story or what?” jae snorts, but his tone is high-spirited. he runs his hand past brian’s broad shoulder, lets it stay there. “anyways. it just felt. right. one, i thought you were ridiculously hot standing there and drinking dr pepper of all things, and i thought, ‘yeah, that’ll rile sungjin up, because this guy’s got some killer hair, and he doesn’t.’ secondly, you looked out of place, so i thought i was doing you a favour.”

“this is totally relieving.”

“fine,” jae pouts, before closing in to peck brian’s lips. “i’ve heard of you. i knew sungjin cheated on me with audrey, and audrey cheated on you with sungjin. i thought, we’re two heartbroken little shits who are probably moping over the what if’s and why’s of the whole cheating situation. maybe if i tried to talk with you, we could, i don’t know, figure it out. why they left us like that.”

 

_i look at you now and i want this forever_

_i might not deserve it but there's nothing better_

_don't know how i ever did it all without you_

 

brian allows his hand to skim past jae’s ear. he didn’t notice the cross earring on his right ear, now peeking out of his blonde hair. “i didn’t know your definition of talking was to ask someone to be your fake boyfriend and then kiss him on the lips.”

“excuse me? _you_ kissed _me-_ ”

“-whatever,” brian hurriedly brushes it off, embarrassment colouring his cheeks. jae snickers as he pinches brian’s cheek, expression perky, even at the goddamned hour of 4:30 am.

 

_my heart is about to, about to jump out of my chest_

_feelings they come and they go, that they do_

_feelings they come and they go, not with you_

 

sleepiness begins to creep into brian’s bones as he stifles a yawn. “we should sleep.”

“yeah.”

silence.

“can i kiss you good night first?”

brian thanks for the darkness of the night, concealing the redness of his cheeks as he murmurs, “yeah, yeah” and feels the warmth of lips against his, followed by the softest and gentlest “good night, bribri” of his life.

they leave the phone on, leave the songs to play, streaming quietly as they pervade the room of its silence.

 

**_______________**

 

when dowoon shuffles into the kitchen the following morning at good ‘ol 10:49 am, he’s greeted by the warm aroma of waffles lingering in the air. rubbing the lethargy out of his eyes, he struggles to peel them wide open. “brian? what are you-”

he stops short as he finally drinks in the unnatural sight of brian in the sickly apron, covered with neon pink hearts (am endearing eighteenth birthday gift from one of his friends), serving up steaming hot waffles onto ceramic plates, shimmying here and there with the 1975 playing in the background. he doesn’t even flit his eyes over at dowoon at the doorway as he sings over the music. “morning, dowoonie! how was last night with wonpillie?”

even though he’s just gotten up, dowoon flushes. “yeah, about that… i forgot to tell you-”

“-wonpil’s still asleep in the bedroom, isn’t he? oh, poor boy, look what you did to him all night yesterday,” brian whips out a pout for exaggerated effect, which works, because dowoon is currently almost the same shade as the hearts plastered on brian’s apron (minus the neon).

“sorry, brian,” he apologises meekly.

what brian says next leaves the younger beyond flabbergasted. “don’t worry about that, dowoon, now would you like chocolate or maple syrup with your waffles?” brian asks, picking up the maple syrup carton at the edge of the countertop. “oh, thank god it’s not expired. haven’t cooked waffles in god knows when.”

dowoon nods in agreement as he slides into one of the booth seats. “yeah, you haven’t, so what’s the special occasion, brian?” he questions quizzically, furrowing his eyebrows. certainly brian wouldn’t have woken up _on his own_ , let alone made breakfast specially for wonpil and dowoon.

“oh, y’know, to celebrate you and wonpil finally getting it on-”

“-cut the bullshit, brian. i just woke up, i reek of morning breath, but the shit you’re spewing is wayyyy more obvious.” dowoon rests his elbows on the countertop, leaning over. “and the truth is…?

brian flushes, and it’s not from the heat of the breakfast treats. “the truth is someone’scomingoverlater.”

“wait, slower, i-”

“-someone’s coming over later,” brian enunciates slowly, blushing brighter and brighter with every passing minute. “i may or may not have met someone last night-”

“-oh my gosh, brian, i’m so fucking proud of you-”

“-we had wendy’s-”

“-okay-”

“-i may or may not have been punched-”

“-that explains the bruise- wait, what?” dowoon scrambles to his feet, just as the doorbell rings, reverberating throughout the house. before dowoon can make a grab for the older’s sleeve, brian ducks out of the kitchen, making a mad dash for the doorway, before tugging the front door open to reveal jae standing there, who jumps at the abrupt welcome.

he’s bleary-eyed from a mere three hours of sleep (stupid alarm hadn’t been turned off), but still looks drop-dead gorgeous in the simple white tee and light blue ripped jeans. his hair is a mess, strands falling past his eyebrows, and brian reaches out to brush them away. “hey.”

“hey yourself, master chef,” jae chuckles. brian is utterly dumbfounded until he realises the apron is still on him. oh, dammit. “smells good in there, what’s cooking?”

just as jae is ushered in, dowoon appears in the hallway. “brian, i asked you, who- oh.” his voice falters as he lands his eyes on jae. “oh… uh, hey. brian said he was making waffles because someone was coming over; i didn’t know it was you.” brian wishes dowoon would stuff the waffles down his throat and choke and die. _oh, god, may the lord bless me._

jae swings an arm around brian’s shoulder, before swaying sideways to kiss brian’s cheek. dowoon almost keels over right then and there. “so someone made breakfast for me? sweet.” he flicks brian’s nose, before strutting down the hall and into the kitchen as if he owned the house. the younger of the two left in the dust blinks at brian, who has the biggest grin across his face.

“you’re more whipped than the whipped cream sitting on your countertop, bri,” dowoon points out. brian just nods.

 

**_______________**

 

“here again?”

the two are strolling along the walkways of high park. sunshine gleams down upon all milling around in the park. the flowers are in full bloom, spotching the bushes with an array of colours. moms push prams of squealing babies, families take a breather from a mid-morning jog, teen couples walk hand-in-hand while pointing out various sightseeing spots.

jae doesn’t say anything. instead, he produces his phone from the pocket of his jeans, followed by a pair of earphones, all tangled up. “wait, um-” he hands brian his phone to untangle the earphones. it takes him a good few minutes, and as the seconds tick by, he gets more and more frustrated. brian chuckles a little.

“here, let me.” he returns the phone to jae before reaching out to untangle the mess. within seconds, the knot is undone, and he beams with pride as he hands an earphone to an awestruck jae.

the other whines. “why are you so good at this? you’re hella illegal.”

“why?” brian laughs.

“you’re already hella good-looking, you’re hella good in studies from what i hear, you’re hella good at singing, hella good at cooking and untangling earphones.” jae complains, throwing his free hand dismissively in the air. “hella illegal!”

brian gloats under the praise. “please, you’re illegal too, y’know-”

“-thanks, i know-”

“-i mean, literally, we’re veering off the path, and the sign clearly says ‘do not cross here’.” he watches jae scrunch his nose in dissatisfaction, giggling as the other does so.

“whatever,” jae mumbles, before clicking at a song in his playlist. brian fixes the earphone into his ear and hums along to the melody. beside him, jae’s hand reaches out to take brian’s. he lets jae intertwine their fingers, before jae fits their linked hands in his jean pocket.

 

_every day_

_i lived like the dead_

_but you_

 

_became the reason_

_for me to get up_

_once more_

_you made me wanna open my eyes_

 

when they reach a bench tucked under the shade of the trees looming overhead, jae halts, turning to brian. “brian, baby.”

brian looks at jae, puzzled. “hm?”

 

_just your smile alone_

_makes me breathe_

_because of you, i’m_

_better better_

_better baby!_

 

“you wanna know something?”

brian swallows hard. there’s a lump in his throat, constricting him of words, so he nods.

 

_only your love_

_makes the frozen me_

_jump up again_

_higher higher_

_higher baby._

 

“i never asked you to be my real boyfriend, didn’t i?” jae chuckles. holy shit holy shit holy shit- “this… is absolutely crazy, i’ve known you for twelve hours, but these twelve hours have been worth it, haven’t they? everything was great, and i don’t regret a single moment - even if we got judged at wendy’s, even if we got caught by burly security guards, even if we bumped into our stupid, cheating exes. i don’t wanna change any of that.”

he takes a step closer. brian doesn’t move. he _can’t_ move; he’s rooted to the ground.

“because yesterday night was everything. _this_ is everything.” and even quieter now, “ _you’re_ everything.”

brian trembles, his knees almost jelly now. “jae…”

 

_i used to never wait for tomorrow_

_but you_

 

“so, i’m just going to be blunt about this - can you be my real boyfriend, for, like, forever?”

 

_became the reason_

_for me to take one more step_

_not too far ahead_

_you held your hand out to me_

 

no words can describe the fullness of brian’s heart as he lets out what seems like a sob, a cry and a squeal all in one, as he wraps his arms around jae’s waist and lifts him into the air, all the while kissing jae with all his might. he cradles him like he’s the everything he said, holds him like he’s everything. because, guess what? he _is_ everything.

  


**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://twitter.com/softtofustew_) // [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/softtofustew_) // [tumblr](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/softtofustew)


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